I'm NOT OK!!!

" I'm not ok, I'm not fine... My heart is scourged torned apart, shattered with lies and promises, wounded by memories, bleeded by deception... Trying to move on but my knees are too weak, trying to stand but my body is too frail.. Though I'm smiling and laughing... I'm still NOT OK! "


I may look ok...
I may act fine..
but still my heart is broken...
Deep down inside I'm suffering..


In my life.. I only wanted you... I never asked for anything else but for you to stay right there by my side... I never wanted anything but you.. You told me I'm selfish, I only think of myself.. I never cared for anything less than what is right for me and for me only... dont you realize that I am not anymore thinking of myself... I am thinking you... If you find me unkind... you find me unfair... you find me wrong.. you find me childish.. you only see the negative side of me.. who is the one selfish?! who is the one who wanted only the positive side?! isnt it you?!

Im tired of being down.. Im tired of people pulling me down... Im tired of crying.. Im tired of wasting my time thinking if I am still worthy of something or someone... Im tired of being me... Sometimes I thought of the what you would feel... what others would feel if I am not around... but that is too selfish... but what can I do?! will I keep on crying?... will i keep on "going with the flow"? will I keep myself down?!

I thought you would be the one to pull me up... I thought you would be the one to help me... I thought you would change everything that was happening?!... I was wrong... and maybe because it was all thoughts and it was not really the reality... maybe I'm just dreaming that I met someone who is not you? I am trying my best to show you what I really am... I am trying my best to be the best... but what I am really trying to do? I am trying to be someone who live because of you... I am trying to be someone worthy of you... I am trying to be someone I'm not... You took away the pain... you took away my suffering... you took them all away... but for only a short time... you never noticed that you just returned them all back...

you never knew that what you are doing right now is the exact thing that your tried to remove... These things was your promises... but they all became you lies... it became only another scar in my heart and in my memory... are promises really mean't to be broken?..

yes... it was really mean't to be broken... just like other people's promise of power...wealth... love... authority... etc.. I never wanted more...

I never wanted anything... I just wanted someone to be there... someone to take the pain away... to take the suffering off my shoulders... but maybe it wasn't the right time... maybe it was only a joke... maybe it was not mean't to be removed... maybe... when will this pain be removed?.. Who cant remove this?.. maybe no one can...